OH NO! It's Raining, Guy

Sometimes it does this thing where the sky sweats, you know… it rains. 

Of course you do and you know that all it is, is water and if it gets on you it’s ok because it’ll dry up and there won’t be a single trace that it was ever there. Well… did you know there are people out there that act like rain is tiny droplets of lava pouring down to singe their exposed arm and destroy the interior of their car. And no not people who actually have a medical phobia of rain!

When this kind of customer comes through you have to be ready for the ultimate in stupidity. They give their identities away at the order box as you have to strain to hear them over the car engine and delicate pitter-patter of raindrops because they’re practically talking through the car window.

When they drive up they crack their window enough to get a couple fingers with coins out. You will have to sacrifice your dry arm to keep business going. Now here comes the best of the tricky parts. How does one get a large cup through a 2-inch crack?

Step 1 – remove lid (careful it’s still raining!)

Step 2 – dump out the coffee

Step 3 – flatten cardboard cup

Step 4 – pull the flat cup into the car carefully as some leftover coffee may drip and stain something in your car and then you’ll need to clean it with something that has the same properties as rain.

Step 5 – drive away you don’t deserve coffee

*Illustrations by Ally Mac @ http://blogginawkward.blogspot.com/

           

I’m far too pretentious for a boring old coffee do you have something that sounds exotic and impossible to spell on your menu, person

Thanks to Starbucks and other “fancy” coffee chains that charge $6 for a coffee with steamed milk everyone assumes anywhere that sells coffee makes such drinks. Well not everywhere does. Sometimes cappuccino is made using powder and that cold Frappuccino-like drink is nothing more than a sweet java syrup mixed with a bucket of water.

That’s why it’s no surprise you’ll encounter Fancy Pants Mochafrappresso person. They ask for specialty drinks everyday as if asking yesterday sparked a corporate idea that people may want to spend $6 every morning for something that looks, tastes and smells like the normal stuff but bears the description “A robust nutty flavour straight out of Africa, picked by silver backed gorilla’s, fair trade blend.” when they can get the same thing minus the gorilla’s for $1.40.

You may suggest adding a flavour shot to spice up their boring old coffee but no you don’t have the means to steam milk, which “attracted” you to the job and you don’t have non-fat skim vanilla sugarless soy almond milk. You may even want to recommend that they go buy a carton for themselves and add it to a black coffee and hey, you’ll even throw in a stir stick!




*Illustrations by Ally Mac @ http://blogginawkward.blogspot.com/

I'm Really Not Sure You Should Be Driving

Everyone has encountered this person at some point or another… you may even be this person. More often than not they ask you to repeat the store greeting. Probably because they’ve forgotten where they are and why they’ve arrived there.

They’ll jump back into reality albeit rather slowly with a raspy “Riiight!”  proceed with their order which may go something like this,

“I’ll have a {deep breath} powdered straaaaaawberry donut {deep breath} and a {deep breath} smaaaall coffee with a {deep breath} straaawwww.”

And before you have a chance to ask if that’s all (and you know it I because they come through every week on the same day at the same time and order the same thing every time), they drive… crawl… inch forward. By the time they reach the window you’ve had to make a new coffee because the other one has turned glacial. They ever so slowly roll down their window, the old fashioned way because their car is as old as them if not older and you stand, coffee, donut and straw ready for distribution, with a smile on your face that starts to etch creases into your skin until you look just like the prune in the car.

They reach out of their window so slowly you begin to wonder if something dramatic is about to happen and with a trembling hand they release a fist full of rusty coins. Naturally a few of them tumble to the ground. “Ooooh {deep breath} deeeaarrr!” they’ll say smiling in that very cute old person way.  (By now you’ll have figured out that, the I’m not sure you should be driving person, is quite elderly and if you hadn’t there’s a good chance that you will become this person… which means you’ll reach a remarkable age so… congrats I guess!).

One by one you’ll hand out the order, which they latch onto with their tendons audibly creaking and for a minute you hold your breath as that shaky hand directs the scalding hot beverage to the takeaway tray that serves as the car’s cup holder. When the mission has been accomplished you hand out the donut and straw.

When all the items are safely inside the vehicle this person will have to unsheath the straw, fumble with the coffee lid and take a sip before they step… press… apply ¼ of the proper amount of pressure to the gas pedal and inch away from the building narrowly missing a few parked cars.

*Illustrations by Ally Mac @ http://blogginawkward.blogspot.com/